Monday, October 4, 2010

Clemson Football:New Recruits

So, a lot of people know that I'm not very good at sports. Nor am I knowledgeable of sports. Nor do I understand most of the rules, skills, gameplay, or appeal. I digress.

Thanks to the internet, even with my minimal knowledge of the event, I can understand means of improvement. So, it's time to announce my suggestions for mid-season recruits
that will help Clemson's F-Ball game go from a concussion to a minimal discomfort.

First up on the new roster:

Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Is he a tormented soul with a tentacle face? Yes. Does
he have the hands necessary to catch a ball? He certainly oughtta. Plus think of the intimidation factor on the field when the octo-beard is threatening to carry your soul on a boat for life and turn you into a coral-thing. Unfortunately he's been redshirted, plus he can't actually tread on land, so, that sucks.

recruit number 2: The Tar-Monster from Scooby Doo

Beware the Tar Monster

People put sticky black crap on their hands to cheat all the time in football movies (my main source of athletic knowledge) so why not get a monster made entirely of tar? If you pass to him from any direction it sticks to him, he makes his way down the field dragging anyone who tries to tackle him. The ball "breaks the plane" and we get touchdown after sticky sticky touchdown.

And then... oh wait, crap. nix that too. Apparently some kids unmasked the tar-monster and it's just old man Stoner scaring off workers for a crack at some ancient treasure. Not making up the last name.

Okay, so I'm "oh and two" as they say (thank you Google) but I think my last recruit is a real winner. Someone we can all relate to, someone that will confuse and shock the other team. Someone with a lot of heart and the tools to catch the ball better than our current receivers.

Recruit 3: 10 year old with a sticky hand

Mr. Swinney, I am willing to be paid 14 thousand dollars for this advice.

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